Curious if your partner has signs of narcissism?
If you recognize signs of narcissism in your relationship with your partner, you want to do something about it.
In this article, I’ll help you recognize the signs of a narcissist and determine if your boyfriend or husband is truly a narcissist.
Is he a Narcissist?
Living with a narcissist can be very challenging. Narcissism is not a light subject. Relationships with a narcissist can leave deep scars on your self-esteem, sometimes even years after the end of the relationship. That’s why it’s important to learn to recognize the characteristics of a narcissist so you can protect yourself in time.
Do you want more information about narcissistic traits? Be sure to check out this video, where you’ll learn more about the reality of living with a narcissist.
The 3 Types of Narcissists
Not every narcissist is the same. Broadly speaking, they come in three forms:
#01. The Spoiled Narcissist
This type was greatly spoiled as a child. The characteristics of a spoiled narcissist are therefore similar to those of spoiled individuals. As a child, they got everything they wanted. The result? The child becomes extremely egocentric. It also expects everyone to fulfill its needs.
#02. The Dependent Narcissist
This child had parents who did everything for them. As a result, the child never learned to deal with problems on its own. The consequence? It develops the belief that others should solve its problems. It also develops the belief that it cannot solve problems on its own, but it will keep this a secret from others at all costs.
#03. The Neglected Narcissist
This type of narcissist received little or no emotional support as a child. This led to the belief that they should be emotionally independent. They also experienced love as something conditional. Later in life, these narcissists try to gain love by striving to be extremely successful.
Combinations of these types also occur.
If you are living with a narcissist, try to determine which type they are. This will help you understand the origins of their characteristics better. Moreover, it will assist you in developing empathy for narcissists (as they will challenge you in this).
Why narcissism is not like giftedness
Many people see narcissism as something black and white.
You either have narcissism or you don’t.
They view narcissism as similar to giftedness. You are considered gifted when your IQ is higher than 130. Since your IQ is either below or above 130, giftedness is something you either are or aren’t.
However, narcissism is more like insecurity. It is a scale on which people fall high or low. This leads to a lot of misunderstandings about narcissism.
Some people claim that a relationship with a narcissist is entirely possible (including myself). On the other hand, some people say that narcissists are the worst people in the world, and every relationship with them ends in sorrow, pain, and disappointment.
Who is right? Both.
When I say that a relationship with narcissists is possible, I mean the ‘medium narcissists.’ These are people who exhibit many narcissistic traits but deep down care about others.
If someone claims that a happy relationship with narcissists is impossible, perhaps because they had a narcissistic ex who lied, cheated, and threatened with physical violence? Then they are referring to extreme narcissists (and are right that you don’t want a relationship with them).
That being said, you can recognize all narcissists by at least some of the following 23 characteristics.
01. He has a Narcissistic Worldview
You must know this.
Narcissists have a distorted worldview. In their minds, the world revolves around them.
Narcissists who were overly spoiled by their parents learned from an early age that their needs were automatically fulfilled.
What these children did not learn is that there is such a thing as boundaries or other people.
The result?
The narcissist thinks only of himself, talks only about himself, and assumes that you will set aside your own needs whenever he wants.
A typical example came from a client of mine. She was once sitting on a terrace with her boyfriend when he suddenly said, ‘I want to switch places with you; I have the sun in my eyes.’ When she politely refused, he rolled his eyes in irritation and then ignored her for half an hour.
This may sound like an annoying incident. However, for her, it was just another example of a years-long relationship in which his needs took precedence.
02. He likes to set the rules
The narcissist likes to be in control.
An important characteristic of a narcissist is that he is accustomed to being in control.
He sets the rules in his relationships. Not only in his relationship with you but also in those with his family or at work.
He expects others to listen attentively to him, not to interrupt him, and not to contradict him.
But don’t expect him to let you finish talking.
03. He is an emotional recluse
The narcissist is a proud peacock who likes to show himself. At least when it comes to his charms, intellect, and status.
He also has a side he prefers to hide. Namely, his vulnerable side. He prefers to bury it deep in a vault.
Why?
Often as a result of emotional neglect as a child. The narcissist learns to suppress his emotions at a young age, even though those feelings are real.
Every person needs love. The narcissist just didn’t get it as a child. How does the young narcissist then deal with the pain of a lack of love? Well, he suppresses his desire for love and emotional support.
Do you no longer desire emotional connection with others? Then you will not experience the pain of rejection if you do not get that bond.
04. The narcissist does NOT love himself
Have you ever realized this?
Because the narcissist didn’t receive love as a child, he developed the belief that it was not worth love.
The narcissist thinks that if he is “himself,” everyone will find him worthless.
It is often said that narcissists love themselves extremely, but that is not entirely true. Narcissists love their ego. They love the image others have of them.
Deep down, a wounded personality hides that feels shame. The person deep inside is hurt and sees that as a weakness. That’s why a narcissist tries to bury this vulnerable side as deeply as possible.
What a narcissist doesn’t realize is that he is pushing you away by doing so.
When you invite him to show his vulnerable side, it is a threat to him. He has to show a side of himself that he himself detests.
In short, the narcissist is not actively seeking intimacy.
05. The narcissist sees his life as an Instagram profile.
The narcissist has an insatiable hunger for admiration.
That’s why he tries to manipulate an image of his life. This image must showcase success, achievements, and competence to the outside world.
This is to satisfy his hunger for likes, confirmation, and appreciation from others.
These narcissists learned early on that love was conditional. They only received attention from their parents when they performed. Often, they felt the pressure never to disgrace their parents by being imperfect.
What happens to a child in such a situation?
It develops the belief that it is worthless unless it performs.
Therefore, they attach a lot of value to:
- Status
- Their career
- Their appearance
- Their intellect
- A fancy car to drive
- Knowing and interacting with famous or important people
06. The narcissist is ‘too good’ for admiration to elicit admiration.
There is also something called ‘covert narcissism.’
Often, you recognize this narcissist by their false modesty.
Typical statements of the covert narcissist are:
- “I’m not doing it for attention. I wear suits worth 1500 euros because I like them myself.”
- “Yes, I may have far exceeded the quarterly targets, but I had help from my team.”
- “I don’t want to brag, but…”
Also, the covert narcissist often presents themselves as a morally superior person.
These narcissists may claim not to value money or status, but they say this mainly in the hope of receiving admiration for their moral values.
07. The narcissist wants to be Superman
Being superior is not easy.
It means that you have to be sharp all the time. Every moment of the day.
Every conversation provides an opportunity to show your intellectual superiority, but also a threat to being proven wrong.
If you want to be the best at the office, you have to constantly score, impress your bosses, and keep an eye on the competition. You can’t afford to take it easy for a day.
Now you might wonder: how on earth does the narcissist manage this?
Well, by developing some traits that help him with that.
One of them is perfectionism.
This trait allows the narcissist to sustain his quest for admiration.
You’ll find the narcissist’s perfectionism in many aspects of his life.
I already mentioned that narcissists care about their appearance. So, don’t be surprised when you meet a narcissist with a wardrobe worth a car. Also, don’t be surprised when he tells you how many hours a week he spends at the gym.
You also almost always see his perfectionism in his career. A prestigious career is the narcissist’s way of generating respect. A place where you often encounter narcissists is at the top of the business world or in politics.
08. The narcissist has a fear of criticism
If there’s one thing the narcissist can’t stand, it’s criticism.
Why?
Because the narcissist perceives any form of criticism as a direct attack on him as a person.
So when you say:
“Hey, that PowerPoint presentation looks really good, I just noticed a spelling mistake there.”
He hears:
“Haha, loser, you made a spelling mistake. You’re truly the most worthless person here. Everyone is gossiping about your grammar mistake at the coffee area.”
09. The narcissist would rather say you’re stupid than sorry
Making mistakes is human nature, right?
Not for the narcissist.
He must maintain his image of superiority. Making mistakes is therefore not allowed.
That’s why the narcissist will never apologize.
For the narcissist, it feels like admitting that he is a worthless person.
In short, the narcissist has a big ego that is quickly threatened.
10. He hurts you regularly
This is truly a typical characteristic of a man with narcissism.
What happens when you feel superior to others on the one hand but easily personally attacked by others on the other?
Then you launch a counterattack.
This is why narcissists can sometimes be extremely hurtful. They simply feel that they are allowed to hurt your feelings to protect their own.
Not every narcissist immediately goes on the offensive.
After all, there are also covert narcissists.
The covert narcissist also sees himself as superior, can’t handle criticism, and rarely apologizes. In his relationships with others, he is just a bit more cunning in protecting his ego…
11. He emotionally manipulates you
The narcissist is a verbal acrobat.
When you’ve hated apologizing since childhood, you have to pull a lot of tricks to avoid it every time.
A commonly used tactic for this is to make you feel guilty.
This is also the tricky part of dealing with a narcissist. A dominant narcissist who knows your weaknesses exactly is very cunning in instilling a sense of guilt.
Narcissists can be very pushy and convincing in this regard.
So be careful of this.
12. He blackmails you
This is a red flag! There is another tactic that many narcissists apply. Blackmailing you.
From narcissists who threaten a ruthless divorce, taking the children away, to harming themselves. These are all examples of narcissists resorting to blackmail to get their way.
So be very cautious about this.
13. He is very suspicious
You already know that the narcissist “uses” people.
One of the weaknesses of a narcissist is that he is very suspicious. After all, he has a worldview where people use each other. Therefore, he assumes that he must constantly be on guard against others.
Especially kindness is suspicious.
Those people must want something from him, the narcissist thinks.
And so he looks for something behind every form of kindness.
14. The narcissist doesn’t know any better
Narcissists are experts at pushing your buttons.
When a narcissist insults you, belittles you, or unfairly instills a sense of guilt, it can seem impossible to justify his behavior.
However, when you truly understand narcissism, it’s difficult to blame their behavior.
The various processes I described that contribute to narcissistic traits are unconscious.
For example, when a narcissist receives criticism, the reaction to go on the attack is usually not conscious.
What some people may think is that when a narcissist receives criticism, they might consciously think:
“I’m getting criticized. Even if the criticism is valid, I don’t want to admit it. Instead, let me deliberately react angrily.”
But this is not what goes on in the narcissist’s mind.
Here’s what happens:
“At the moment I received criticism, my ego felt threatened. Of course, I wasn’t aware of that. All I felt was a tight feeling, my heart rate increased, and my muscles automatically tensed. It was as if I automatically became angry, and my reasoning was turned off. ‘Who are you to say that?’ I thought. ‘I’ll show you!'”
The same goes for the narcissist who can’t apologize.
It’s not that the narcissist knows he’s wrong but is unwilling to admit it to you. No, the narcissist is a victim of his own ego. He genuinely believes he is not wrong.
Can anything be done about this?
Yes, therapy can be beneficial for narcissists who are willing to work on themselves.
But it only works if the person in question is open to it.
15. The narcissist is very skilled at self-justification
The narcissist can’t apologize. But there’s more to it.
He often finds it challenging to even experience something like guilt.
In that aspect, the narcissist differs from you and me.
Granted, you’ve probably insulted someone before. Someone close to you. Chances are, however, that afterward, you thought something like, “Oops, that didn’t come out the way I intended; I shouldn’t have said that.”
But the narcissist never entertains such thoughts.
Instead, he thinks something like:
“I wouldn’t have insulted that person if he wasn’t so foolish; it’s his own fault. I am just being honest by speaking the truth.”
They have a significant talent for self-justification.
16. The narcissist is demanding
This is one of the most well-known characteristics of a narcissist. They can be very demanding.
The narcissist sees people around him as if they were actors there to admire him, but also as potential sources of admiration.
This means that the narcissist likes to be seen with admirable people. So, he sets the bar high for people who want to be around him. As a result, the narcissist can come across as extremely demanding.
17. He is not there for you when you need him
Another typical characteristic of a narcissist.
The narcissist expects you to constantly listen to him and be there for him.
But if you ever need him? As a listening ear or a giver of emotional support. Then he is nowhere to be found.
Partly because he doesn’t realize that you need him, partly because he doesn’t care.
18. He is very compulsive
Many narcissistic traits are nothing more than defense mechanisms for low self-esteem.
One of these mechanisms is compulsive behavior. A typical example of this is regular shopping marathons.
Another example is gambling. In this way, the narcissist hopes to have his great judgment confirmed.
An obsessive gym addiction – not uncommon among narcissists – also fits into the list of compulsive habits of the narcissist.
19. He is a jerk, but a charming jerk
Do you involuntarily have a weakness for men with narcissistic traits?
You’re not alone.
It’s not something you should be ashamed of.
Narcissists are often real charmers at first glance.
Partly, you already know why this is the case. They are often driven, intelligent, and confident.
But what you also need to understand is the following.
When you’re not good at maintaining long-term relationships, you quickly become good at attracting new relationships.
Because narcissists constantly need to draw new people into their lives to satisfy their craving for admiration, they become very experienced at it.
And practice makes perfect.
20. He is prone to addiction
Not only is the narcissist addicted to attention.
The narcissist is also addicted to… uh… a lot.
The life of a narcissist is a lot of hassle. Deep down, you feel worthless, and every day you push yourself to the max for a bit of admiration.
That sometimes calls for a bit of distraction.
The narcissist often seeks that distraction in the bottle, expensive clothing stores, the casino, or the strip club.
21. He puts himself and those around him in danger
This is something you want to watch out for.
Some narcissists, with their addictions (and other reckless behavior), also put others at risk.
This is again because they don’t take others into account.
Examples include:
- A narcissist who recklessly manages his finances.
- Getting involved in fraudulent practices.
- Getting behind the wheel with a bad temper and narcissism.
This is also a typical characteristic of narcissists in the danger zone.
22. He considers himself narcissistic
No, this is not a joke.
Researchers once asked a group of people if they considered themselves narcissistic.
What was the result?
That one question predicted with 91% certainty whether people were narcissistic.
This is not surprising either.
Many narcissists are proud of the fact that they are narcissistic.
23. He doesn’t realize he has a problem
This characteristic is perhaps the most challenging aspect of dealing with a narcissist.
Because the narcissist takes pride in his narcissism, he doesn’t see it as a problem.
According to the narcissist, the fact that he has a long list of failed relationships is the fault of all those people themselves.
The idea that he is the only constant factor in all his failed relationships doesn’t occur to him.
That’s why it’s extremely difficult to get a narcissist to seek help.
The secret to your love life…
Do you ever wonder why certain people experience more happiness in love than others?
Maybe you sometimes have the following thoughts that go through your head when you are texting, dating, or in a relationship with a man:
I’m starting to doubt myself…
I don’t get it…why is he acting like that?
It drives me crazy… what does he want?
I know… that feels bad.
I wish you the best…
