A short temper, an unwarranted snide remark towards your partner, an exaggerated reaction when someone asks you something… Have you ever experienced these? And do you desperately want to get rid of this quick-to-anger behavior?
In this article, I will share with you what might be underlying your anger and, more importantly, how to overcome those feelings of frustration. With these tips, you’ll soon be living a calm and contented life.
The possible causes of quick anger
If you get angry quickly, there is always something else behind it. Something that you often cannot indicate directly, but which in the meantime fills your bucket and also affects your self-confidence.
Below is an overview of the main causes of anger. I wonder if you recognize one or more of those instigators in yourself.
01. Your life consumes more energy than it provides you
In a content individual, the scale is balanced. The energy they possess is utilized in dealing with setbacks, while positive experiences replenish the energy that has been drained away.
When your life consumes more energy than it provides, you become unbalanced. This often leads to a lower frustration tolerance. This term was first coined by the American cognitive-behavioral therapist Albert Ellis.
A reduced frustration threshold manifests, among other things, as anger.
02. You become frustrated because you’re not achieving your goals
Nothing is more frustrating than not achieving your goals. You work tirelessly, but the outcome is minimal. Or you find yourself blocked when a deadline approaches.
When you have to handle such setbacks repeatedly, it drains your energy. In the meantime, you realize that a depleting battery in the long run is the ultimate recipe for anger.
03. It is difficult to indicate your limits
Your boundaries have a strong connection to anger:
- If you don’t know your own limits, you won’t immediately notice when someone crosses them.
- If you can’t define your own boundaries, others won’t know when they cross them either.
- When you don’t have a clear picture of your own limits, you don’t easily see the limits of others either.
If you do not recognize your own limits and those of others, this will quickly lead to frustration, resulting in an outburst of anger.
On the other hand, your limits become clear when you get angry. A constructive use of anger is therefore not necessarily bad. However, you can imagine what happens if you always react angrily when someone crosses your boundaries…
04. A certain fear controls your thoughts
Anger can also be caused by fear. A fear that controls your thoughts quickly drains your energy supply.
Moreover, fear leads to destructive justice. You then feel that you have the right to behave destructively.
Suppose your father is seriously ill. You live in constant fear that he will not survive. You feel powerless; life is unfair. Destructive justice arises from this kind of fear.
One of the most common manifestations of destructive behavior is anger. For example, you snap at others for the slightest thing.
05. You are easily triggered by past events
Sometimes an action or reaction from someone else triggers you. You get angry, without immediately understanding why.
Very often such an action or reaction corresponds to the way in which a person often acted or reacted in the past. For example, your mother always got very angry if you hadn’t cleaned up your room.
The negative association with that past experience still irritates you today.
From that irritation, the step to anger is quickly made. So sometimes it is necessary to reflect on yourself to find out.
What Can You Do About Anger?
Now that you have an idea of where your anger may be coming from, it’s easier to deal with it.
Here are 9 tips to help you do that.
01. Acknowledge your anger
It might be obvious, but acknowledging your anger is the first step. Stomping around the room and yelling that you’re not angry at all won’t get you any further.
The recognition of your mindset opens the door to change. Only when you admit that something is challenging can you learn how to approach it differently? This applies to the way you deal with your emotions as well.
02. Look for balance
Remember earlier in this article I talked about things that give you energy and things that waste your energy? You want to balance those two.
Write down for yourself which activities belong to your energy givers. You do the same for your energy guzzlers.
A few energy guzzlers are not bad at all. After all, there are the energy providers opposite.
But what if it isn’t? Or if the list of energy guzzlers is endless?
Then it’s time to find the balance. Whenever possible, stop activities that take up a lot of your energy. Do things that make you happy more often.
Can’t you do that alone? Engage a coach.
03. Express your anger in a constructive way
Anger creates a lot of tension in your body. That tension has to go.
It is important that you recognize the rising tension at an early stage. Then you can use it smartly, without having to explode with anger.
Go for a workout or hit a pillow hard and unabashedly. If necessary, write an angry letter to yourself.
Throw it out before it comes out on its own.
04. Turn your angry response into a Self Message
Is someone getting the blood from under your fingernails? First, ask yourself what you want from the other person. Then respond appropriately. The I-message is
very useful for this: In a “self message” you speak for yourself.
You name what you feel or what hinders you. (For example, “I’m sorry…”)
Then you indicate what causes that unpleasant feeling or the obstacle. (“…when you interrupt me.”)
Explain why that is the case from your own perspective.
End with a suggestion for different behavior. Be as specific as possible. (“I’d like you to…”)
05. Give yourself a time-out
If you’re having trouble formulating such a self-message quickly, and if angry feelings are piling up, step away from the situation or count to ten.
Taking a brief time-out literally makes the difference between an angry and a calm reaction. During that short moment of calm, you detach from your immediate emotions.
Deep inhales and exhales bring you back to a relaxed state. From that relaxation, formulate your self-message before you return.
06. Set realistic goals
As I mentioned earlier, anger can arise when you never achieve your goals. Now that you’re aware of this, the solution is simple: adjust your goals.
Write down as specifically as possible the goals you want to achieve this week. The key goal here is the feeling of success. Therefore, opt for goals that you can undoubtedly accomplish.
From the sense of accomplishment that you create, gradually increase the difficulty level of your goals. In all cases, keep the steps manageable.
07. Talk to others
If your anger continues to bother you, regardless of what you try, then talk to others.
Not just about your anger. See if you can delve a layer deeper into the conversation. What fear or event is hidden behind your constant sense of frustration?
Have such a conversation with someone who listens and asks probing questions. Only then will you uncover your deeper feelings and thoughts.
08. Activate helpful thoughts
At times, you get stuck in a spiral of negative thoughts. Catastrophic thinking leads to nothing constructive.
Identify which negative thought has a grip on you. Then replace that gloomy thought with a helpful one. Phrase the helpful thought in a way that it’s achievable.
For instance: you’re about to bake a cake. You’re already angry at yourself beforehand. You’re afraid the cake will fail, and then you won’t have anything delicious for your guests.
Replace that thought with if the cake fails, at least I’ll have a good story to tell my guests!
The intensity instantly diminishes.
09. Don’t take everything personally
Negative energy can drain your battery in no time. Can you guess what happens when you take everything personally?
Criticism can hit hard, quickly leading to anger. However, realize that it’s usually not an attack on you as a person. Of course, that’s easier said than done.
Knowing how to handle criticism prevents you from being drained.
And in doing so, you’ve already outsmarted your anger.
Always be one step ahead of your anger
The bottom line is that you should always be one step ahead of your anger. Keep a grip on yourself, so that the anger does not get a grip on you.
I sincerely hope that my tips have been of some use to you and that you can put that quick anger behind you.
Which tip suits you best? And do you have any other tips that might help if you get angry easily? Let me know in a comment!
Do you think the whole world (or at least your environment) could learn something from these tips? Then share this blog and contribute to a positive world!
