Your life is no longer the same without your loved one. You think about him or her all day long, you just want to pick up the phone and tell them you miss them and everything will go back to the way it was.
So you want to know: How do I get my ex back? Below is an article and here is a complete step-by-step plan.
For starters, picking up the phone isn’t going to work. Instead, you need to change something or more in your life so that getting back together with your ex feels like a truly fresh start for you and him/her.
It can be difficult to make changes, especially if you don’t feel strong. But it is the step you have to take to get your ex back.
Before I give you the 15 steps to win your wife or husband back, you can first read whether you have a chance of getting your ex back. No relationship is the same and some relationships you should no longer want, but certainly not all relationship breakdowns are irreparable.
Perhaps they were just necessary to grow into people better suited for each other. Sometimes being apart can be exactly what you need to grow closer.
But how do you know if your relationship is worth a second chance?
If, even after all this time and space, you still feel something for each other, consider talking to the other person about how you could continue the relationship.
However, your feelings alone shouldn’t dictate whether you should get back with your ex.
To continue real, healthy relationships, both parties must provide stability, respect, openness, kindness, and most importantly keep trust in each other; Only love is not enough to make the relationship survive a second round.
Some exes have a better chance of reconnecting than others. Here are some situations where trying again is a good idea:
#01. You’re still right for each other
It’s rare to meet someone with whom you click so well and feel at ease.
If, throughout your dating life, you realize that there’s no one quite like your ex, and you still experience the same attraction you felt when you were together, consider that a sign that what you have with this person is truly something special.
#02. You didn’t break up because of cheating, violence, or incompatible core values
Relationships that end due to physical and emotional abuse, cheating, and differences in core values are rarely salvageable because they lack trust, respect, and the solid foundation needed to have a healthy relationship.
But if these weren’t your reasons for breaking up, there’s a chance you can patch things up and try again.
#03. You broke up due to circumstances
Maybe you broke up because he/she had to move to another state for work. Maybe you weren’t ready to get into a serious relationship yet.
Regardless of the reason for the breakup, exes who part ways due to circumstances have the greatest chance of rekindling the passion, precisely because there are always ways to improve timing when the separation is circumstantial rather than rooted in personal differences.
Other reasons may not be so simple, but they can still be important. These include:
You understand what went wrong. Sometimes relationships fail and nothing can be done about it.
But if you look at your mistakes in retrospect and find the willingness to improve yourself to better suit your partner, you both have a chance to save the relationship.
#03. Your problems can be solved
Not all problems in a relationship are completely beyond repair.
For example, most communication problems can be avoided by establishing some ground rules and taking each other’s feelings into account. If your problems stem from issues that can be resolved, know that you can still fight to repair the relationship.
#04. You feel terrible when you’re not together
The feeling that you miss a part of yourself after a breakup is completely normal.
However, if you still feel this way after giving yourself time to heal, it might be a sign that you still have feelings for the other person.
You want to make compromises.
Knowing you were wrong is one thing; wanting to make amends is another.
If you or your ex reach a point where you are both willing to sit down, compromise, and adjust, then this is certainly a good sign that the relationship has a chance of working.
You agree on things now. Different goals and perspectives in life can drive a wedge between people, especially if you already want to settle down, build a life with someone, and start a family life with someone.
Time and experience give you both lessons to grow and learn from different people. Perhaps it took you all the time to get to the same point.
Okay, now that we’ve figured out that you can win your ex back, here are the most important steps you need to take.
15 steps to win your ex back
#01. Find out your ex still cares about you
Before you take these important steps to win your ex back, find out if they still care about you.
That’s the most important thing.
Even though the relationship has ended, there’s a pretty good chance that your ex has a special soft spot for you.
If they do, it will be much easier for you to win them back.
The place you still hold in their hearts becomes your most powerful ally in your efforts to win your ex back.
However, if you discover that your ex no longer has feelings for you and has made it clear that they have no place for you in their lives, then it is better to stop now than to let your efforts fail.
If this is the case, you’re probably better off without them.
You have several options to find out whether your ex still cares about you or not. Maybe deep down you already know the answer. Or you can ask mutual friends for their opinion.
It is crucial to find the answer to the question. Once you know, continue with step 2.
#02. Give them space
Now that you have concluded that your ex cares about you, you should proceed with this step immediately.
Step 2 is the most important, but unfortunately also the most difficult.
Here it is:
Do nothing!
Take your time and give your ex space. This is necessary. There are a few reasons for this. First, you need to take time to reflect on yourself and the things that went wrong in the relationship. To do this, it is important to stop worrying about things and just dwell on the positive and the negative of the relationship.
If you’re going to see your ex soon, it’s easy to get stressed. Second, by giving your ex space, you also give him or her time to think.
It may seem like your ex just moves on with their life once they have some space. This is a risk you must be able to take.
I know giving your ex space seems difficult and counterintuitive, but leaving them alone is one of the best ways to get them back into your life.
However, you have to do it in a very specific way. Don’t just cut off all communication. Communicate with your ex’s subconscious and make it seem like you don’t want to talk to them right now.
Tip:
Send this “No Communication” text
“You’re right. It’s best if we don’t talk for a while, but I would like to be friends eventually.”
To work, it must be sent to your ex at the right time.
But why I’m leaning towards this is because you’re communicating to them that you don’t need to talk anymore. Essentially you’re saying that you don’t need them to play a role in your life anymore.
Why is this so good?
You create a “fear of loss” in your ex that makes them feel attracted to you again.
#03. Don’t give in to your ex’s wishes
Okay, you’ve discovered that your ex still cares about you, you’ve managed to give them space and stop contacting them.
Chances are your ex will contact you fairly quickly. It’s likely to happen, and when it does your ex will want to talk about what they felt like they needed more from you in the relationship. This is likely to happen and if so, your ex will want to talk about what they missed in the relationship.
Do This Never
Begging or submitting to someone else’s needs can make you appear very unattractive. You may think it will help win your ex back, but chances are they will lose interest again pretty quickly. Keep your dignity and know your worth.
Giving them what they want will give your ex the idea that they can dominate you. A manipulative partner is the last thing you want.
Avoid this by sticking to your decision and showing them how strong you are.
#04. Don’t give too much affection
By showing your strengths and setting clear boundaries, you show your ex a new and stronger side of your real self. This is attractive and will lead you to spend more time with your ex. When this happens, you shouldn’t show too much affection.
Showing too much affection by sending long messages, calling frequently, and other affectionate gestures makes you seem desperate. Avoid this and let your ex make the first move.
Don’t act like a pining puppy; instead, make your ex wonder what you’re doing right now. If you don’t nag all the time, they may soon notice that they miss your cheerful presence.
Soon your ex will become curious and you will be one step closer to winning your ex back.
#05. Think about the relationship
If you want to get your ex back, you need to think about your past relationship. What went well? What went wrong? And more importantly, how can you show your ex that things will be better the second time?
Because you will not repeat the same mistakes of your past. For women, I think it’s essential to take the time to think about what drives men in relationships.
Because men see the world differently than women do and when it comes to love, they are motivated by different things.
Men have a built-in desire for something ‘bigger’ that is more than love or sex. That’s why men who seemingly have the “perfect girlfriend” are still unhappy and find themselves constantly looking for something else – or worse, someone else.
Simply put, men have a biological drive to feel wanted, to feel important, and to care for the woman they care about. But how do you activate this instinct in him? How do you make him feel like he matters and has a purpose?
You don’t have to pretend by playing the “damsel in distress.” You don’t have to disguise your strength or independence in any way. Just authentically show your man what you need and empower him to make it happen.
By activating this very natural male instinct, you will not only boost his self-confidence, but it will also help you get back together – forever.
#06. Improve yourself
You set your boundaries, gave your ex space, and started spending more time with him or her. You start to create some change in your own life through your power.
Well done! Here’s the next step.
You must continue to focus on self-improvement. Changing yourself for the better is an effective way to show a positive side of yourself. Make sure you change, not for your ex, but especially for yourself.
Improving other aspects of your life such as your appearance, your attitude, and your mindset will help you in the long run. Try a new haircut, a new style, and change your negative traits. Work on yourself and become the best version of yourself.
Let the breakup and pain of losing someone you have such strong feelings for be the motivation to better yourself. Nothing is more attractive than being with someone who can take control of their own life.
RELATED ARTICLE: How to Love Yourself; 15 Steps to Believe in Yourself Again
#07. Do some physical activity
This works on two levels: when you do something physical (go to the gym, run, walk), your body produces endorphins that make you feel good. These hormones serve as a boost, which can lessen the blow of a breakup. Exercising allows you to focus your energy on something other than the breakup. Another advantage is clearly that you get in better shape. Transforming your body into a better version of itself isn’t just physically attractive – a great body shows discipline, good health, and self-control.
#08. Be happy with your current life
Trying to be happy while wanting your ex-back can be difficult – even impossible. But there are some simple ways to be happy right now. It may sound a bit strange, but the first thing you need to do is stop trying to be happy!
Then focus on feelings you like and make a list of things in your life that already bring those feelings. You are doing something very powerful. You begin to see that you have the ability to make yourself happy.
The most important thing is to stop depending on your ex for your happiness. You use the space you now have, away from your ex, to learn to make your happiness. This is very difficult, but the benefits are immense.
You will find that when you spend time with your ex again, you will be a completely different person. You will not depend on your ex for your happiness. Your ex will feel the difference.
#09. Work on your personality
The next time you see your ex, you want to show them that you have grown into a better person. It’s not so much changing who you are as it is improving and expanding your personality. Think of it this way: your ex broke up with you. Whatever the reason, it is rooted in what you could offer the relationship at the time. Maybe your ex thinks you are irresponsible, or that you don’t have much to offer as a partner.
Either way, he/she believes there are aspects you must improve. That’s why it’s important to start developing your personality. Being in a relationship with someone for a long time can change who you are as a person – and not always for the better. Now is the time to rediscover who you are and discover hobbies and lessons that make you more interesting.
Now that you finally have the time, do all the things you said you would do when you were in a relationship. Go on that solo backpacking trip. Learn a new language. Invest in a new hobby. Even if it’s just reading an interesting book. The key is to add things to your life that are mentally stimulating. Interesting people attract other interesting people. Your drive to improve yourself will certainly make your ex reconsider the breakup.
#10. Spend time with others
If your “get-the-ex-back” mission is still not making progress, try spending time with other people. You don’t have to start a relationship with them. However, you can spend time with them and show your ex.
This can trigger some jealousy in your ex and he or she may end up wanting your attention for themselves again. Jealousy is a powerful thing; use it to your advantage. But use it wisely.
If you’re feeling a little adventurous, try out this “Jealousy” effect.
“I think it was a great idea that I’ve decided to go out with my new friends!” –By saying this, you’re letting your ex know that you’re dating other people now… which will, in turn, make them jealous.
That’s exactly what you want. You let your ex know that other people demand you. We are all attracted to people who are desired by others. After sending this text, he or she will be attracted to you again because of the “fear of loss” I mentioned earlier.
#11. Reconnect with friends
Let’s face it: there is a limit to the amount of self-improvement you can do. Ultimately, you still feel lonely now that your partner is gone from your life. That’s completely normal. But instead of calling them and asking for a meeting, focus your attention on people who have been there for you in the past and in your rough times.
Most people who get into relationships lose themselves so completely in it that they start to forget about their old friends. If you recognize yourself, take a step back and reconnect with old platonic relationships. You now feel vulnerable and need company – that’s what your friends are for. You may not be able to share the same intimacy with your friends, but they can help you transition back to a single life and provide the companionship you need to feel better about yourself again.
#12. Don’t force it
You’ve followed the advice and become a better person – what now? The last thing you should do is contact your ex and request that he/she try again. It’s tempting to go online and brag about how great your life is, but this thinly veiled attempt at manipulation won’t work. Always remember that your ex or you had a reason to end the relationship. It’s entirely up to the ex if he or she wants to try it again with you.
Even with these self-improvement efforts, there’s no guarantee that you’ll win them over. What does happen is that you gain the assurance that you can live and thrive in a reality where you are no longer in a relationship. Even if it doesn’t work out for them, prepare yourself for the other people who might come into your life. Without knowing it, you’ve already put the time and effort into becoming a better person – and that’s infinitely better than being in a relationship.
#13. Ask yourself if your ex is worth it
It would be frustrating if one day you and your ex get back together and you realize that he/she is not worth the trouble. Don’t let your efforts be in vain.
Ask yourself, “Do I want to be in a relationship with this person again?” If so, continue your efforts to win ex back. But if not, it’s probably time to move on with your life.
The steps you have taken here are powerful and you have begun to truly change your life. Inevitably, this change will bring a different perspective.
If you’re starting to see that your ex isn’t worth it, don’t think about it for too long. Continue to enjoy spending time with your beloved people. Start taking the perspective that now your ex has to go through these steps to win you back.
Now you’re acting like you have a value. Because you inevitably have them.
#14. Talk to your Ex
This step can only be taken after completing the steps above. Now that you’re living your own life, being happy on your own, and starting to create serious positive change in your life, it’s time to talk to your ex.
Let your ex know how you feel deep inside. Share your feelings with him/her. Let them know what they mean to you.
He/She can either:
A. Saying that he/she still loves you and wants to try again with you.
B. Saying that they don’t love you anymore and that the relationship is over for good.
If it’s the first, congratulations! You just won your ex back! And most importantly, the relationship will probably be different this time. But in the latter case, still congratulations! You’re one step closer to finding someone who will appreciate you for who you are.
No matter what happens, you are ready for this moment. What you have been through has made you a much stronger person.
#15. Accept the situation
You have followed these steps. You are stronger. And you are back with your ex or moving on with your life. No matter what happens, it is very powerful to accept the situation.
Be grateful for this incredible person, no matter what. They have been the impetus for you to grow. Use this experience to improve yourself and avoid making the same mistakes twice, whether in the relationship or your new life.
Start another most beautiful chapter of your life with a stronger heart and a braver soul. You are a very special, unique, and incredible person. Start treating yourself like this.
You want your ex back… But is that a good idea?
Remember why you broke up
The first thing to remember is why exactly you and your ex broke up, and there are two parts to this: who broke up with you and why did they do it?
Let’s start with the who:
- Was it you? If you were the initiator of the breakup, then you are in a privileged position. Your ex has probably missed you since the day broke up and they might come back to you in a heartbeat. But you have to ask yourself: if you let the breakup happen and now you want to reverse that decision, how much control do you have over your feelings and are you being honest with your ex? All relationships should add value to your life at all times, not just when they are convenient.
- Was it he/she? Those who broke up with you are in a much more difficult position when it comes to getting your ex back. Have you done something irreversible (cheating, lying, or stealing from your ex) and broken their heart in ways they can’t forgive? Or did your ex act rashly and break up with you for no reason? Either way, you have to remember: that you can’t force someone to feel something if they don’t want to. If your ex ended your relationship, it’s quite a job to win them back. It may be difficult, but it is not impossible.
- Was it mutual? Mutual breakups are always hard and are usually the result of both partners falling out of love with each other after a slow and tedious process of heartbreak, attempts to repair the relationship, and failure. But the good thing about mutual rifts is that they can be repaired over time if both parties are willing to try again. You just want to make sure that you’ve given your relationship and the breakup enough time to mature and evolve so that both partners have a chance to think rationally – whether they want to give this relationship another chance or finally move on from their relationship.
After understanding who, you need to think about the why.
Here are the top ten reasons why people break up:
- Communication Issues
- Trust Issues
- Different Life Goals
- Incompatibility
- Infidelity
- Lack of Intimacy
- Growing Apart
- Financial Stress
- Family Interference
- Unresolved Conflicts
Ask yourself: which of the above reasons contributed to the breakup of your relationship, and who hurt who?
If you are the one who wronged your ex, have you worked to change your behavior?
Have you given enough time to your ex to heal and assess whether they want to try again? Have you fully acknowledged your past actions and tried to make up for them in any way?
If you are the one wronged by your ex, are you ready to forgive and give a second chance, or will you continue to hold that old hurt before your ex like a Sword of Damocles after you get back together with them?
Are you ready to move on with your ex and try to build something new that will give them a fair chance to make amends, or will you continue to remind them of it for the rest of the relationship?
Maturity on both sides is required, whether you are the victim or the perpetrator of the bad behavior that led to the breakup.
In many cases, the victim believes that just giving the perpetrator a second chance is enough, but for a relationship to truly evolve requires commitment from both sides.
Do you really want your ex back or are you lonely?
The immediate aftermath of a breakup can either feel like the best thing or the worst thing that ever happened to you, depending on who ended the relationship. But no matter how you felt on the day of the breakup, time can always turn your feelings upside down until you feel the opposite.
In short, you might not miss your ex the day after the breakup, but a few days or weeks later you might, and you might be thinking about them every waking moment.
But do you really want your ex back or do you just want to feel in love again?
According to Helen Fisher, biological anthropologist at Rutgers University, “Romantic love is an addiction. Our brains follow an ancient brain pathway that evolved millions of years ago… for romantic love. The brain system has evolved to focus your energy on an individual and start the mating process.”
Fisher’s research into the evolutionary background of relationships and romantic love found that love addiction can be a damage to the brain, where the experience of being rejected within a romantic relationship is strong enough to warp a person’s reality, much like what someone might experience when dealing with drug addiction.
The longer you stay in a relationship that just isn’t working – maybe you don’t have compatible personalities, or you don’t have the same goals, or you’re not at the same stage in life – the longer you deny yourself the opportunity to move on and find a relationship that really suits you.
That’s why it’s important to understand whether you really miss your ex or just miss the feeling of being in love. And when you miss them, do you miss them as romantic partners, or just as people and as friends?
Do not stay in a relationship just to remain good friends, for even the best of friends can be the worst romantic companions.
Can you be friends with an ex? Signs it won’t work
If you want your ex back to your life, but you’re not sure if you want to continue your romantic relationship with her/him, you may want to consider developing your relationship into a platonic friendship.
Note that even though you may have been a great couple once, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be great friends. Some people just aren’t compatible that way and the pain of the previous relationship will always work against your efforts to be friends.
While it may work for some people, it doesn’t work for everyone.
Here are some signs that you probably can’t be friends with your ex:
#01. There are still unresolved feelings
A big problem with ex is that they usually leave a lot of unresolved issues in the relationship. You leave and never resolve those issues or try to be friends and force yourself to talk about all the unwanted issues.
This kind of baggage will always make it impossible to have a normal, friendly meeting with your ex.
#02. You can’t stand the idea of your ex with someone else
If you become friends with your ex, you have to accept that they will eventually find someone else to call “honey.”
If that bothers you, you may not be in the right headspace yet to have them around you, otherwise it just feels like torture.
#03. You’re just lonely
As we discussed above, loneliness should not be the reason to contact your ex. There are other options for friends and partners.
Don’t keep going back to the same valley you once climbed out of and fought your way out.
#04. You still think your ex will turn into what you want them to be
If part of you still expects your ex to change, then you’re not completely out of the relationship yet.
That’s not fair to yourself and not fair to your ex. At some point you have to accept it – you’re just different people.
#05. You stalk your ex, physically or digitally
Maybe you try going to their old hangouts, asking mutual friends for updates on them, or checking out their social media pages to get a sense of what’s going on in their lives plays. If you are like that, becoming their friend probably won’t work.
#06. Part of you still wants to be with your ex
If part of you still wants a romantic relationship with your ex, then that’s a clear sign that you can’t be friends.
Either give the relationship another chance, suppress the feelings completely, or just stop trying to be friends. There is no middle ground if either of you still longs for what you once had.
This can be tough to think about, but a simple litmus test you can take to determine if you can be friends with your ex is this:
Ask yourself, “Am I thinking about my ex in ways that would be strange if it were just another friend?” If the answer is yes, then you may not be as prepared for this friendship as you think you are.
I have a question for you…
Do you really want your ex back? If your answer is yes, then you need a plan to get them back.
Ignore the naysayers who warn you never to go back to your ex. Or those who say you only have the choice to move on with your life. If you still love your ex, getting them back may be the best way to move on with your life.
The simple truth is that getting your ex back can work. There are 3 things you need to do now that you are apart:
- Find out why you broke up.
- Become a better version of yourself so you don’t end up in a broken relationship again.
- Formulate a plan to win them back.
