Sure You have sometimes met someone rude and impolite and you wanted to send them to the other side of the world or a desert island. Unfortunately, some people don’t seem to have common sense or know how to treat others with the respect required.
One day or another in our lives, we are confronted with rude people, who seem to ignore the basic rules of social etiquette. Of course, the simplest solution would be to avoid these types of people, unfortunately, this is not always possible.
With a stubborn co-worker, an impossible manager, a difficult customer, an indiscreet neighbor, or a stranger cutting in line in front of you, an incident that puts you in an uncomfortable position can quickly happen.
The important thing is to be able to handle the situation without ruining your reputation, your job, or just your day. Here are some tips to overcome these difficulties:
#01. Don’t lose your cool
Let’s be honest. Staying calm when the other person is acting disrespectfully, raising their voice, and making impossible demands, requires some serious composure. It is infinitely simpler to respond to insults with more insults or to slam the door as soon as the situation escalates.
Yet is this the best thing to do on this occasion? Are you sure you will not regret your words and actions later? When we are angry, we lose all rationality and what has been broken can sometimes be impossible to repair. As soon as you feel frustration building, ask yourself these few questions:
- 01. What would you lose by letting your anger speak with this person? For example, if you talk about an office colleague or a client, it may seem unprofessional or may cause you to lose the respect of your other colleagues, or even your job.
- 02. Will taking out your frustration on this person change your life in any positive way? Probably not. So why do it?
- 03. Will you get what you want by giving in to anger? Let’s imagine the following scenario:
- you’re dealing with a customer service representative who treats you like a 5-year-old, your frustration builds up, and you feel like exploding. However, this person who frustrates you may have something you need. If you lose your temper, you might not get what you want or prolong the time it takes to obtain it.
Take a deep breath and imagine this anger escaping as smoke from your skull. If it’s an email, don’t respond immediately and let your anger subside to respond as rationally as possible. You can vent your frustrations later, perhaps by talking to friends or family.
#02. Don’t take it personally
This point is very important. Often, when someone behaves unpleasantly towards us, it’s easy to believe that this behavior is exclusively directed at us. We may think there’s something in us that triggered this reaction, perhaps even believe that it’s our fault.
However, that’s not the reality. Maybe this person had a bad day, struggled with managing their anger, or received an upbringing that normalized their behavior. Perhaps it’s not about you, but what you represent to this person, a form of competition, a bad memory of someone who looks/behaves like you.
In essence, the reasons can be countless. Beliefs, values, conditioning, and past experiences define a significant part of our behaviors. Very often, these behaviors are automatic; no one woke up in the morning thinking they would lash out at X or Y during the day.
So, unpleasant behavior is linked to the personal history of that person, and it has nothing to do with you. Therefore, there’s no point in blaming yourself or feeling guilty in these situations.
#03. Don’t expect the other to change
Some people are convinced that their way of acting is correct. Maybe they don’t know how hurtful their behavior is to others, or they know it but it gives them benefits they aren’t willing to lose.
In any case, don’t try to change others. You don’t have the power. If that’s what you’re hoping for then prepare to be disappointed. His rude behavior preceded you and it will continue long after your interaction, with other people.
It is not by being kinder, more helpful, or by acting differently that the other person will automatically change. You may even become more frustrated because your unmet expectations will add to the unpleasant situation.
The decision to change is up to the person, perhaps you could set a good example or suggest a change, but it is up to each person to make their way. In the same way, you would not like to be asked to act differently if you think you have the right to do so.
If the behavior of others bothers you excessively, it may also mean that it’s time for you to learn to let go.
#04. Look at the situation objectively
It is important to see the situation as it is, we talked about this in the inference ladder. Is this person disrespectful? Didn’t you misinterpret his actions? And if this person did act that way, did your emotions make you see the situation worse than it was?
We tend to make situations worse, especially when they hurt us. It is important to see things with the right glasses and not to exaggerate them. Be fair in your judgment of others. Some tips for this:
- Express your frustrations, either by talking to a friend or writing in a journal. This will avoid letting your emotions cloud your judgment.
- Take a step back and imagine that you were a spectator of this same incident between this person and a stranger. If someone else were in your place, would they have acted the same way? Has this ever happened to anyone else? If so, then you know it’s just that person’s way of being.
- Talk to a friend and ask them to analyze the situation. This will probably give you another perspective on the situation.
Taking this distance will allow you to know before acting and whether the situation merits action on your part.
#05. Prepare your answers
Rather than finding yourself in the moment not knowing how to respond or act, it can be interesting to have a range of reactions ready in advance.
Silence, for example, may prove to be the best option, especially if the person has acted in this way for the first time, or on rare occasions. This is especially the case for rules of politeness or good manners that are ignored by others. It’s not up to you to redo his education.
Other times, it can be difficult to completely ignore a person face-to-face, especially if they are actively seeking to create conflict. That said, you can make the conversion uninteresting for that person.
Indeed, for an interaction to take place, two speakers are needed. If you give short, ready-made answers, with long silences, or if you turn a deaf ear, this risks quickly boring your interlocutor who will cut short the exchange. So resist the urge to defend yourself, or to give your point of view on the issue.
If the person contacts you by email, SMS, or other means that allows you to delay, take your time before responding as objectively as possible, ignoring provocations.
#06. Confront if necessary, otherwise walk away
Confrontation should only take place as a last resort. Sometimes it is inevitable, here are 3 criteria to ensure this:
- This person has crossed the line with their behavior. Ex: Public insults, violation of your personal space
- This person is not in a higher hierarchical position than you. Ex: Your employee or colleague, your child, your student
- Confronting this person will bring you more benefits than losses, and you are ready to assume these losses.
Although in an ideal world, we could all communicate as equals, in reality, this is not possible. This other person may have the authority or influence over you because he or she is your boss, responsible, or a teacher if you are a student or a parent.
In these cases, you necessarily have more to lose than to gain by confronting this person. There is no point in fighting a losing battle, your ego at the moment may want to step up but you risk biting your fingers later. Any lack of respect is also not an opportunity to start right away.
This does not mean that we should accept everything with a bowed head, some limits should not be crossed, for example, if we are talking about harassment. In these cases, you will need to seek support that will allow you to face the situation as an equal.
#07. Understand why the person is acting the way they do
We all have triggers that make us act in one way or another. Just as for some people, living in an unsanitary environment is not a problem, for others, living in a place with even the slightest dirt is unbearable.
So consciously or unconsciously, there are reasons why this person adopts this type of behavior with you. These reasons are not personal, it can be the fact that you are a man/woman, young/old, of a certain social class or origin, and many other reasons or all at once.
While it’s not possible to change all of these reasons (have you tried becoming younger?), some may be solvable. Especially when we talk about the impression or image that you send back to this person. Perhaps this disrespectful person thought that you seemed to be quite docile, to have little importance within the structure where you are.
You can prove to others that their preconceptions are unfounded. In these moments it is important to show your value and authority with a corresponding attitude. If you know what is important to this disrespectful person, focus on that and use it in your communication.
#08. Learn a good lesson from it
It can be tempting to run away from situations and people who have been unpleasant to you. That said, don’t leave a job just because of these people, but just because nothing is holding you there. If you love what you do, don’t let your passion be ruined by snide comments directed at you.
These disrespectful people are everywhere, unless you are going to live on a desert island there is little chance that you will not encounter them elsewhere, in that other job, city, or country. The important thing is to learn to handle these situations with the right amount of assertiveness.
Know already that you are probably not going to stay in contact with this person in 1 or 2 years, a lot can happen and people are constantly coming and going in our lives. At the same time, it allows you to reflect on times when you have been unkind to other people without realizing it.
Think about these people, even if you felt at the time that your behavior was justified. Your spouse, your office colleague, your child, a store employee, those people you took out your nerves on because they didn’t act the way you wanted them to or you had a bad day.
By having faced this unpleasant person, it allows you to experience what it’s like to be on the other side of the looking glass. Have you improved your behavior or tried to make up for your mistakes? If not, perhaps this is an opportunity to do so.
Let us once again recall the golden rule present in all cultures, “treat others as you would like to be treated”. Also remember the positive people in your life, one unpleasant person should not weigh more heavily than all the pleasant people around you.
Conclusion
It’s normal to feel frustrated with people who seem to have no barriers or limits to their words and actions. The solution is not to flee or fight but to get through the situation by playing the right cards while respecting your limits.
Even if these people make a lot of noise, you don’t have to give them all your mental or emotional attention. It’s more about letting the storm pass and acting according to your own goals. These people will disappear from your life sooner or later, so they shouldn’t matter to you.
Once again, remember that no one can write your story for you. You are the most important person in your life.
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