There are relationships built on desire, physical attraction, and overflowing passion without the development of familiarity. In this case, Robert J. Sternberg refers to it as simple or infatuated love. Learn more about it!
Infatuated love, as defined by psychologist Robert J. Sternberg in his triangular theory of love, explains why some relationships fail. In the world of emotional bonds, nothing is simple – and we repeatedly fall into the exciting trap of desire, passion, and dopamine that nurtures this dynamic. However, bonds based solely on physical attraction are not long-lasting.
The Latin term “fatuus” means silly, foolish, or infatuated. Sternberg uses it to describe relationships that rely on commitment and passion but do not build familiarity. They lack a solid foundation on which complicity, openness, and trust can flourish to overcome obstacles together and construct a more mature, authentic connection.
Learn more about Sternberg’s triangular theory of love and infatuated love below.
Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still.
Robert J. Sternberg
Who is Robert J. Sternberg and why was he interested in love?
We cannot understand contemporary psychology without Robert J. Sternberg. He holds a degree from Yale University and has received thirteen honorary doctorates from leading research centers worldwide, along with a professorship at the University of Heidelberg in Germany.
Although primarily known for his triangular theory of love, he has also explored many other areas and developed theories such as the triarchic theory of intelligence and the investment theory of creativity. He has written more than 100 books and countless articles.
The prominent cognitive psychologist was interested in love and affective relationships as they determine the essence of human nature. Understanding this core element allows for a deeper understanding of ourselves. His book “Love Is a Story: A New Theory of Relationship” is a sensational tool to discover ourselves through our relationships.
Is his famous triangular theory of love, formulated in the 1980s when he first articulated it, still valid? The answer is yes. A study published in the Journal of Sex Research, among other research, empirically confirms the universality of this intriguing model.
Simple love according to Sternberg: What is it?
The immature, simple love arises from passion and physical attraction. We all experience this form of love at some point, usually in youth. These are connections that lack familiarity but are dominated by an excess of desire, sexuality, and blind affection that clouds judgment.
The concept of simple love is integrated into the triangle theory of love and is initially based on its three basic components:
01. Passion: the physical, sexual, and emotional attraction that characterizes romantic love
02. Intimacy: the emotional closeness, bonding, trust, and deep connection between the couple
03. Commitment: the couple’s decision to maintain a long-term bond through loyalty, responsibility, problem-solving, etc.
The combination of these three dimensions results in the following types of love:
01. Infatuation: Passion takes precedence.
02. Non-Love: None of the three elements mentioned above is present. It is a superficial, cold relationship.
03. Liking: Familiarity and connection are present, but it usually involves short-term relationships and friendships.
04. Empty Love: Passion and intimacy may diminish in long-term relationships, but the commitment remains.
05. Romantic Love: Passion and intimacy characterize this type of love, but there is still a lack of deep commitment.
06. Companionate Love: Familiarity and commitment are the pillars of this relationship, but there is no passion. It often involves sibling love or friendships.
07. Consummate Love: This is the ideal state we all aspire to because all three components (passion, intimacy, and commitment) allow for a balanced relationship. However, passion may not last forever.
08. Simple love: We will delve a bit more into this type of love today.
In relationships based on simple or foolish love, time is always an enemy: they usually do not last longer than two years.
Simple love and its characteristics
Simple love is characterized by passion and connection. This love demands that all needs be satisfied. The attraction is intense, but the person in simple love fears being abandoned or not loved.
Sri Ramachandra University emphasizes that sexual desire is mediated by testosterone and estrogen, and physical attraction is mediated by dopamine, the stress and reward hormones. In simple relationships, the release of hormones and neurotransmitters is constant, to the extent that they can be addictive.
Other characteristics of simple love include:
- Frequent breakups, arguments, and reconciliations
- Fear of betrayal or abandonment
- Anxious attachment
- Harmful dynamics like jealousy and the need for control
- Codependency
- Couples often isolate themselves and live solely for each other, reducing contact with family and friends.
- Due to a lack of intimacy, emotional maturity, and trust, they are unable to deal with issues and disagreements.
How long do these types of relationships last?
Simple or infatuated love, according to Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love, is particularly short-lived: it can last between 6 months and 2 years. This type of love is doomed to fail because it lacks intimacy and familiarity – the glue that holds every relationship together.
A study published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology emphasizes that it is not possible to determine whether passion naturally leads to intimacy or vice versa. What we know is that time is always an enemy of simple love. In relationships where commitment, intimacy, and passion exist, these pillars strengthen over time.
Infatuated Love: What to Do?
If you find yourself in an infatuated relationship, you know that it has an expiration date. However, some experiences are worthwhile even if they are short-lived. You should try to emerge from the relationship as unscathed as possible.
Be aware of the type of relationship you are in: Is it based on physical attraction without familiarity? Once the passion fades, there is nothing left to nourish the relationship. You should try to transition from infatuated love to consummate love. It can be helpful to work on the following aspects:
- Set common short- and long-term goals.
- Work on being the best support for each other.
- Try to transition from an anxious attachment to a secure attachment.
- Learn to solve problems and disagreements.
- Express your emotions and feelings without fear.
- Develop mutual respect, understanding, and care.
- Build good communication based on listening, assertiveness, and respect.
- Advocate for connectedness and show curiosity about each other’s interests to understand their dreams and desires.
Ultimately, Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love is an excellent model for understanding how relationships are built. It is a very complex universe where we often fail. Nevertheless, you should not give up because there are people who are worth it.
