As if it isn’t challenging enough to find a relationship, it’s even more difficult to sustain one. The sparkling rush you felt at the beginning of the relationship isn’t permanent. Over time, your feelings change, and the relationship takes on a different form. This doesn’t mean the feeling disappears; it transforms. It evolves into something else.
The sexual excitement gives way to a deep emotional bond. In other words, the bed doesn’t creak every day anymore, but the couch sees more action. And that’s perfectly normal. But with routine lurking, it’s risky to become entrenched in patterns that don’t benefit the relationship.
Because the world around you changes, the relationship changes as well. You change, your partner changes, everything changes. Relationships are a work in progress. And as everything unfolds differently than you might have expected, you find yourself wondering how the relationship can withstand the test of time. How do you keep the relationship healthy? How do you keep it enjoyable? And what are the best relationship tips to make it succeed?
As a result, maintaining a long-lasting relationship becomes an increasingly greater challenge for many people. Where to begin? In this piece, we mention 6 building blocks on which a healthy, satisfying relationship is based.
These 6 building blocks keep your relationship healthy and fulfilling.
01. Communication
That clear communication is important for every relationship is probably not new to you. But especially in long-term relationships, it’s tempting to ask less and assume more. You know each other so well that sometimes you forget that you are two different individuals who choose to connect with each other every day anew.
Healthy communication doesn’t rely on assuming you already know everything about your partner. Express your desires, communicate your needs, and share what has hurt you.
By doing so, you not only lighten the burden for yourself but also give the other person the opportunity to respond to you in an authentic way.
This keeps the line between you clear, allowing you to exchange energy unhindered.
02. Insight
When you assume less and ask more, you will automatically gain more insight into your partner. This doesn’t have to be limited to understanding their daily experiences.
You can also continue to learn about the patterns and beliefs underlying those experiences.
Don’t worry: we’re not suggesting you become each other’s psychoanalyst.
But it can be incredibly interesting (and enjoyable!) to, for instance, consciously consider each other’s love languages. Or to zoom in on your attachment styles and how they relate to each other.
03. Attachment Theory
For example, are you entangled in an exhausting push-pull dynamic that often occurs when someone with an anxious attachment style comes together with someone who has an avoidant attachment style?
In this case, insight into attachment theory can remind you that you are, first and foremost, two individuals with a history. And that history will always play a role in the relationships you form.
Embracing this fact allows you not only to continuously learn about the other person (without judgment) but also to keep growing yourself. This brings us to the next building block.
04. Individuality
According to Esther Perel, maintaining your individuality is an essential component of a healthy long-term relationship. If you want your relationship to constantly evolve, you must ensure that you do the same. Therefore, continue to make time for your hobbies, passions, and self-care rituals. Embrace your desire to occasionally be alone or spend time with your friends and family.
It is healthy and normal to want some distance from your partner from time to time. In fact, when Esther Perel conducted research worldwide to determine the moments when someone feels most attracted to their partner, physical distance was one of the most common answers.
When you are separated from each other, your imagination is reactivated. And according to Esther Perel, fantasy is one of the most important ingredients of desire and (physical) intimacy.
05. Symbolic Distance
Another answer that consistently emerged in the research revolved around the attraction that arises from a more symbolic distance between two partners. An example of meaningful symbolic distance is when one partner observes the other from a distance while they are excelling at what they do, completely ‘in their element’. You know the feeling: your partner confidently gives a speech, competes in a sports event, or takes care of others, and suddenly you feel as if you are observing them for the first time again.
06. Intimacy
There’s a good chance that the intimacy between you and your partner will only increase when you occasionally take (symbolic) distance from each other. Sharing intimate moments is essential if you want to maintain a connection with each other.
These moments can involve physical intimacy, but for a healthy relationship, mental, emotional, and spiritual connections are just as important.
To genuinely connect, it’s crucial to fully open up to your partner and give them the space to do the same. The foundation of intimacy is vulnerability, not necessarily uniformity.
For example, if you have an intimate conversation, you don’t have to agree on everything. The key is to listen to each other without judgment.
If you want to connect by experiencing something (new) together, it doesn’t have to be something you both are completely comfortable and familiar with.
What matters is openness on both sides. Be willing to be led occasionally and attentively watch or listen to what the other person is sharing with you.
By the way, don’t worry if you and your partner need to actively make time for intimate moments. Esther Perel finds the idea that all intimacy should (continue to) occur spontaneously in a relationship to be toxic.
She firmly believes that a healthy relationship always requires effort, not just when something is wrong.
07. Polarity
So, how do you ensure that those intimate moments remain stimulating? In almost all (neo-)Tantric and Taoist literature on love and sexuality, you’ll come across the concept of polarity. It refers to the polarity between masculine, or yang, and feminine, or yin, energies.
These are not two separate energy flows, as some might think, but the same energy that is ‘charged’ in two different ways. Yin and yang are inseparably connected, and one cannot exist without the other.
Yin energy is associated with being receptive, soft, sensitive, and relaxed. Yang’s energy is dominant, ambitious, free, and alert.
08. Attraction
Sexual energy, or life force energy, in your body, is healthiest and most powerful when you find a way to balance the masculine and feminine within you. Similarly, attraction and pleasure between you and your partner are strongest when both yin and yang are represented.
Polarity arises when one person is more in their yang energy and the other is more in their yin energy. This concept is independent of sex, gender identity, and sexual preference.
Every individual possesses yin and yang energies and can shift between the two. Furthermore, the balance between yin and yang can shift during intimate moments.
The idea is simply that intimacy is most stimulating when both partners find themselves at opposite points on the yin/yang circle.
09. Flexibility and Movement
The dynamic that is so crucial for passionate intimacy is actually essential for the relationship as a whole. Intimacy and relationship coach Nic Tovey believes that one of the greatest misconceptions is that relationships should represent safety.
When people say they desire safety in their relationship, they often mean trust and commitment. These two elements create a strong foundation from which you can then strive for movement.
Renewal and flexibility are, according to Nic Tovey, essential for a lasting and healthy relationship.
These require challenges and (healthy) risks, which are essentially opposites of safety.
Moreover, we often forget that we need to find safety within ourselves first, rather than seeking it in relationships, work, or possessions.
If you and your partner have access to security and certainty within yourselves, there will automatically be more space (and a need!) for creativity in your relationship.
10. Stay Curious
To whom do you pay the most attention? People who never ask you a question or those who continuously ask you questions? The answer is clear. We always give more attention to people who reciprocate our attention, compared to those who do not. Translate this to your relationship, and you immediately understand why some individuals feel unhappy in their relationship when they don’t feel seen or heard. And this can be prevented by staying curious. Give your partner the time and space to express themselves by continuing to ask questions.
11. Keep Finding Ways to Make Eye Contact
It’s not lost on anyone that making eye contact has an impact. When we’re in love, we hope for glances that meet, and when we’re lying, we tend to avoid them. Eye contact is a powerful tool to maintain your relationship. Although making eye contact in a relationship is very simple, you might do it much less than you could.
According to psychology researcher Barbara Fredrickson, making eye contact leads to synchronization. It enables the synchronized release of the cuddle hormone oxytocin, which makes you feel better about yourself and each other. Furthermore, research shows that when people are looked at in a positive way, they feel more understood and safer, as Michael Ellsberg states in the book ‘The Power of Eye Contact.’
12. Learn Each Other’s Love Language
If you’re not familiar with Gary Chapman’s ‘The Five Love Languages,’ there’s something you may not know about love and relationships.
In the book, which is more than twenty years old, Chapman introduces the concept of the ‘mother language’ of love, divided into five universal love languages.
Every one speaks these love languages, yet there’s one that resonates with you the most. And when you discover which love language you and your partner ‘speak,’ you’ll find out in which language you can communicate with each other most effectively.
The relationship tip? Learn which of the five languages applies to you.
- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch
You give your partner a bouquet of flowers, but they would rather spend time with you. Or your partner does everything for you, from ironing your socks to the entire household, but you would prefer to trade that for more physical touch.
The book teaches you a lot about the mother languages of love – how you and your partner prefer to receive love.
But most importantly, it teaches you that everyone wants to feel loved in different ways. And when you know that, you can show love in a way that they truly feel it.
13. Agree to Disagree
No one is the same. We all have different backgrounds, experiences, and therefore different opinions. And that’s a good thing. Although this can clash in a relationship, it’s an art to hold different opinions and be at peace with them.
It makes resolving conflicts so much easier. Recognizing that your partner has a different opinion is a must if you want to handle disagreements in a healthy way.
If you often argue because something needs to be done in a certain way, realize that it can also be done differently – even if that’s not your choice.
14. Work on Fair Conflicts
Conflicts are natural and occur in every relationship. Because conflicts are inevitable, it’s not about avoiding them but about managing them.
Every conflict in a relationship is a sign that there is a need for change. And that presents an opportunity for the relationship to grow. Honest disagreements and tips to emerge stronger? Here’s how to handle conflicts better:
- Accept that conflicts are part of it.
- Stay calm.
- Listen actively.
- Analyze the disagreement.
- Use neutral language.
- Separate the person from the problem.
- Work together.
- Agree to disagree.
- Focus on the future.
- Detach the desired outcome.
- Share why you want something.
- Be creative and specific.
15. Apologize
When you need to offer an apology, do so promptly. Don’t do it to end an argument or to stop the nagging. Do it because you realize you were wrong. A sincere ‘sorry’ is often more valuable to most people than ‘winning’ an argument.
It’s not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign of strength. Acknowledge your mistake, explain it, make it right, and say ‘sorry’. It often clears the air quickly.
Psychotherapist Harriet Lerner (Ph.D.) says in her book “Why Won’t You Apologize?” that ‘I’m sorry’ only holds meaning when it’s said genuinely. Half-hearted or fake apologies, like ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you,’ can actually worsen the pain, whereas genuinely expressing remorse can save relationships.
16. Surprise Your Partner
Almost everyone loves a positive surprise. Small gifts – of any kind – are always appreciated. The tip is that it doesn’t have to be expensive or unique: a bouquet of flowers, cookies from the bakery, concert tickets, or breakfast in bed.
Relationship tips in this area are actually unnecessary. Pretty much anything that lets your partner know you’ve taken the time and effort to go the extra mile is beneficial for the relationship.
17. Write a Love Letter
If writing is your thing, love letters are a beautiful way to express your feelings and show your gratitude. And if writing isn’t your thing, do it anyway. A handwritten letter letting your partner know how much you love them works wonders, even if you’re not a wordsmith.
It’s genuine when you write from the depths of your heart. And once you have on paper what you want to say, it’s often more appreciated than the most expensive gift you’ve ever given.
18. Show Your Appreciation
We all know how satisfying it can feel to nag at someone. But despite the momentary relief it might provide, it tends to push your partner away. Why punish them for what they do wrong when you can reward them for what they do right?
The approach of positivity always works better. So, show your partner appreciation when they do something you’re grateful for.
Behavior that’s rewarded is more likely to be repeated.
- Send your partner a text to remind them how much you love them.
- Place post-it notes with compliments around the house for your partner to find.
19. Try Micro-Dating
We’re all busy. Deadlines, careers, and keeping our social media profiles up-to-date demand a lot of energy. Maintaining a relationship on top of all that can be quite challenging. And once children come into the picture, arranging and planning quality time can bring more stress than it relieves.
And yet, quality time is meant to be a delight, not a burden.
The solution? Micro-dating: an alternative to the traditional date night. It’s the practice of enjoying and being aware of the small moments in the relationship.
Micro-dating is a method to maintain intimacy and romance in a ‘busy’ relationship. It’s not about date nights; it’s about recognizing and appreciating the small moments that already exist in your relationship and finding ways to create more of these moments.
Even when time is limited, there are moments you can seize for a fragment of quality time: a hand on the back, a kiss on the cheek, or a hug at 3 in the morning.
These small moments, when added up, make a difference because the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.
20. Don’t Just Say It, Show Your Love
Saying “I love you” has much less meaning than showing your love for someone. You don’t even have to utter the four magical words to demonstrate how much someone means to you.
Actions are often louder than words. Without saying it, you can convey your care for your partner in various ways:
- Cook a favorite meal when your partner has had a rough day.
- Greet your partner when they return from work.
- Send a genuine compliment out of the blue via text.
- Offer an unplanned and unexpected hug.
- Seek advice from your partner.
- Try to anticipate what your partner wants before they even realize it.
21. Touch Each Other
As humans, we crave touch. And in relationships, touching and being touched become even more significant, as showing this form of affection aids in bonding.
Physical affection releases feel-good hormones that provide a soothing sensation. That’s why hugging, holding hands, and touching feel so good – they increase the level of oxytocin. Oxytocin, also known as the ‘cuddle hormone,’ is released during sex, but research shows it’s also triggered by touch.
- Never leave the house without giving a kiss.
- Focus on the quality of intimacy you share with your partner.
- Research ways to spice up the action in the bedroom.
22. Respond Positively to Positive Experiences
Reacting enthusiastically when your partner shares something with you can have a significant impact on your relationship. This positive feedback on experiences is also known as “capitalization.” In 2014, The Cut, an American publication, referred to this as “the most important relationship concept you’ve never heard of.”
Of course, the headline is a bit exaggerated, but research suggests that capitalization is more beneficial for a relationship than offering support during negative events.
So, the next time your loved one shares a personal success, remember that a simple “Congratulations!” is more important than you might think.
23. Preventing a Breakup
A professor named Ogolsky, an associate professor at the University of Illinois, has dedicated his career to understanding the positive aspects of relationships. He conducted a large-scale research project aimed at uncovering the secret ingredient of successful relationships.
What makes relationships successful? Ogolsky and his team thoroughly examined and analyzed over 1,100 studies published in 1950, all of which were related to human relationships.
During this comprehensive analysis, they identified the most commonly used strategies and techniques that couples employ to stay together.
Their focus was not solely on the reasons why people break up, but rather on how people remain together. They arrived at a clear conclusion: individuals in successful relationships utilize techniques not only to prevent a breakup but also to enhance and improve the relationship.
24. Idealizing the Partner and Relationship
People in long-lasting relationships tend to idealize their partner (or relationship) and believe that what they have is unique and special. They envision their relationship as if it were an ideal one, even better than it may be in reality.
They hold the illusion that theirs is an above-average, exceptionally happy relationship. When it comes to their partner, they may perceive them as more attractive, enjoyable, or appealing than others.
Idealizing your partner can contribute to strengthening the relationship, especially when both partners share in this idealization.
- Recall memories of the good times.
- Share with others how wonderful your partner is.
- Realize that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.
- Be happy and content with what you have.
25. Ignoring Alternatives
When people are in a relationship, they often give little to no attention to others. “I already have a partner, so I don’t need to look at others”. They convince themselves that other people are less attractive (or less appealing) than their own partner.
Some try to completely switch off their interest. And it works.
The relationship tip? Ignoring alternatives has a positive impact on the relationship and helps prevent a breakup.
26. Avoiding Fights, Not Conflicts
Couples who want to stay together must find a solution to their disputes and disagreements. Whether that is achieved through compromising, meeting each other halfway, or apologizing.
If you avoid conflicts or refuse to come to a resolution, you have a lower chance of staying together.
- Keep your partner’s secrets – no matter how small they may be.
- Never share private information with others.
- Start with a compliment before sharing your opinion.
- Don’t sweat the small stuff.
- Wait to respond when you’re angry.
- Don’t try to change your partner.
- Take responsibility for your actions.
27. Forgiveness
To make a relationship succeed, it’s necessary to be able to forgive each other. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. But what not everyone can do is forgive each other for the mistakes we make.
And that’s often necessary in a committed relationship. Forgiving mistakes is the standard recipe for most romantic comedy scripts, but there is a core of harsh truth behind it.
Relationships where you can forgive each other are stronger. And as a result, you have a greater chance of a shared future.
28. Interpreting Partner Behavior Positively
Have you ever been in a relationship where you couldn’t seem to do anything right? Even though you were trying your best to show the best version of yourself? In an unhappy relationship, it often happens that you can never do anything right in the eyes of your partner.
All your well-intentioned behavior is interpreted negatively. Clearly, this is not conducive to a healthy relationship.
What is beneficial for the relationship, on the other hand, is the opposite: interpreting all of your partner’s behavior positively, as Ogolsky’s research shows. People who always see the positive side when their partner does something “wrong” have a point.
Giving each other the benefit of the doubt helps prevent a breakup. Did your partner do something unusual? It wasn’t meant, unintended, or just a harmless joke; their partner’s behavior is interpreted positively.
Partners are more likely to give each other the benefit of the doubt, making the likelihood of a breakup smaller.
29. Helping Each Other
When you help each other frequently, it leads to mutual dependence. You rely on each other, a phenomenon referred to by scientists as “facilitation.”
For instance, you might assist your partner in making plans, completing tasks, or achieving goals. This way, you help fulfill your partner’s physical or emotional needs, and they do the same for you.
- Maintain positive relationships with each other’s friends.
- Give each other space to spend quality time with others.
- Support your partner in pursuing their dreams.
- Ask for your partner’s support when you need it.
- Avoid giving unsolicited advice to your partner.
- Show empathy.
30. Relieving Each Other’s Stress
Sit down for a moment and tell me what’s bothering you.”
As partners, you can help each other reduce stress. Whether it’s about financial issues, unemployment, or a conflict with a colleague, you can make it easier for your partner by discussing it and potentially taking action.
Relieving each other’s stress is a proven technique to make your relationship last longer.
- Pay attention to the small things that bother your partner.
- Ensure that finances are in order (for both).
- Allow your partner to help you.
31. Sacrifice
Relationships require sacrifices. Not only sacrificing your free time to be with each other but also making significant sacrifices of your deepest desires and dreams.
A lifelong relationship means being willing to sacrifice something valuable about yourself. What that exactly entails varies from person to person.
You forego self-interest and activities; you sacrifice for your partner. This is a crucial aspect of maintaining a relationship. However, it needs to be mutual; a balance is necessary to make it work.
32. Improving the Relationship
After analyzing more than a thousand individual studies, Professor Ogolsky discovered that couples who stay together often seek ways to improve their relationship.
Not only do people in long-lasting relationships use techniques to prevent a breakup, but they also use techniques that enhance the relationship.
Ogolsky’s relationship tip: explore how you can improve your relationship.
He himself discovered several remarkable ways to enhance the relationship that was often repeated in all the studies he examined.
33. Praying for Your Partner
For those who do not believe, praying for your partner might seem a bit too far-fetched. However, since more than half of the USA population claims to pray, as research shows, it can be beneficial if you do the same for your partner.
Various studies indicate that praying for your partner can improve the relationship.
Besides the supernatural explanation that prayer helps, prayer can work in a similar way as mindfulness. And if you never pray, it can be helpful to contemplate your partner with full attention.
34. Thinking in Terms of “We”
Do you navigate through life in the “I” form or the “we” form? There’s a difference in the pronouns you use. Couples that use “I” operate as two separate individuals who happen to be in a relationship. “We” couples function as a team.
Which of the two types of couples do you think has a higher chance of success?
A study conducted by the University of California in 2010 showed that couples who use words like ‘we,’ ‘our,’ and ‘us’ exhibited less stress and had a more positive outlook towards each other.
People who prioritize the relationship – rather than just themselves – tend to have a longer-lasting bond.
35. Being Generous
Vacuuming your partner’s car when you have some free time. Taking on a task that your partner was planning to do (but didn’t have time for) on your own.
Or simply giving your partner a homemade gift out of the blue. All the generous things you do for your partner contribute to the relationship.
It doesn’t even have to cost money or take a lot of time; any random act of kindness towards your partner counts. And expect absolutely nothing in return.
36. Showing Gratitude
How often do you thank your partner when they’ve prepared dinner? Or when your clothes are clean and neatly folded in the closet, ready to be worn?
It’s easy to take all of this for granted when it becomes part of the routine. However, showing gratitude each time can significantly benefit your relationship.
Gratitude is often referred to as the flagship of positive psychology.
You might immediately think that expressing gratitude makes your partner feel better, but research has shown that gratitude does more than that: it actually improves the relationship for both parties.
According to psychologist Sara Algoe, gratitude serves to strengthen our relationships with others. Being grateful helps you get closer to others, as studies have demonstrated.
When people are thankful for something someone has done for them, they are more motivated to build a relationship with that person.
37. Doing Fun Activities Together
It’s not a surprise, but doing fun things together is crucial if you want to make the relationship last long. Day trips, outings, travels, and vacations: they help improve communication, define roles, and increase satisfaction in the relationship.
Partners who engage in activities together become closer and can enjoy each other’s company.
That’s because shared experiences give you something in common; it helps you feel good about each other.
38. Talking About the Relationship
Couples who have been together for many years in an inexplicable way often talk a lot about their relationship.
How are things going? What can be improved? What do they still want to achieve? And are their needs being met?
Couples who regularly and periodically reflect on the state of their relationship are more likely to stay together longer.
They discuss how things are, what they can improve in the relationship, where they are heading, and what the challenges are.
39. Making Time for Each Other
Talking openly about your relationship? That’s only possible when you make time for each other, so you can have a calm and attentive conversation.
This relationship tip isn’t that difficult, but it can be challenging for couples who have become stuck in certain patterns.
These patterns hinder a relationship where you give each other attention. So, make time for each other.
For example, when you come home from work, don’t just eat on the couch, but wait for each other so you can eat together.
In the evenings, don’t sprawl out on the couch with your smartphone in hand, but both put the phones away to make time for each other. Time for giving each other attention.
40. Using Humor
Individuals who use humor in the right way can sustain their relationships. Using humor to reduce stress can benefit the relationship.
You can also lighten up a stressful situation by approaching it with a joke. It benefits the relationship because it’s advantageous for both partners.
Furthermore, it can help to develop a better sense of each other’s humor style: the category of humor you enjoy.
According to a study from the University of Kansas, couples who share the same sense of humor tend to stay together longer. Not surprisingly, but good to know.
Despite loving a different type of humor, you can still stay together forever. There are so many different types of humor that a shared sense of humor can always be found.
Among all categories – such as funny anecdotes, dry humor, and self-deprecation – there’s always a humor style that aligns with what your partner finds amusing.
